An Open Letter to the Anonymous Facebook Friend Who Deleted Me Recently

Dear anonymous un-friend,

I don’t know what to say. To be honest, I was shocked when I came online today to discover that my stable of Facebook friends had dropped from 387 to 386. This isn’t the first time this has happened nor will it be the last, but in spite of that I decided to take the time to write to you. So please, bear with me now as I unleash my heart and soul upon the world.

This emoticon represents the current status of my soul right now.

I don’t know where we went wrong. We met X years ago at Y and I thought we got along pretty well. Remember that party at Z’s apartment when we got drunk on that half-bottle of coconut rum?

Sometimes I drink too much...Sometimes...

Those were good times. But I understand that things have changed since then: we’re all a bit older and in some cases, a bit wiser. You and I have drifted apart and we’re no longer as close as we used to be. We stopped having those post-class/work/extracurricular activity jam-sessions: me on the harmonica, you on your trusty keytar… Not to mention our late-night MSN conversations about Z and how he/she won’t return your calls after that unfortunate keg-stand incident in 20XX when you fell off and smashed his/her mother’s antique coffee table.

I know what you're thinking: that's neither a coffee table nor is there a keg present. The thing is though shut up.

When people drift apart and develop different interests, views or find new friends, they tend to disregard the old ones…That’s just a part of getting older. I’m sorry you didn’t like those cat videos I’d post on occasion or those clips from The Daily Show mocking politicians… I remember how much you hate satire, but I couldn’t help myself. Is there no way we can bridge that gap between us? Do I really need to censor myself on Facebook so much to convince you to stay friends with me?

Q: "Did Josh REALLY just post a link to a Youtube video explaining what satire is and how to write one?" A: Yes I did!

What happened to us? What happened to the core principles of our friendship? You used to love the same music I did and rock out with me all night long to our favorite song. When did this change happen? Was it overnight? Have you simply been tolerating my online presence all these years?

Was it the Facebook wall posts? Was it because I opted to post about the mundane details of my life and trivial events that only mattered to a select group of people or because I didn’t do that at all? Did you feel sad because you weren’t among that tiny cadre of friends? Is there any way I can ever know the truth?

Alas, now that you’ve un-friended me, I have no way of knowing where I went wrong and you’ve left me guessing. As such, the only conclusion I can draw from this most egregious action is that you’ve contracted a terminal illness and do not wish to burden me with the details of your horrific disease and eventual demise. But I won’t lose you so soon. Please hang on and give me your trust one last time.

I can start a Facebook group in your name and ask people for donations to support your treatments even if you live in Canada or have insurance. When you’re gone I’ll continue to post those kooky videos on your wall that you loved/hated so much. I’ll continue to post “hey bro! long time, no see!” (even if you’re a girl) every time I think of you. I’ll send you virtual flowers and Farmville invitations to show you how much I care and I’ll be sure to post status updates about how bummed your disease is making me in a bid for sympathy.

Anyway, this is about all the time I can offer you right now. Another friend just sent me a wicked link about some celebrity chastising a right-wing politician and it’s supposed to be going viral any minute and I need to ride that wave and spread this mother like there’s no tomorrow. Go forth now, in peace. I forgive you for deleting me and know that I will still love you no matter where or who you are.


Your un-BFF forever and always,

Josh Goldberg


1 Comment

Filed under From The Mind of Josh, Nerd Rant

One response to “An Open Letter to the Anonymous Facebook Friend Who Deleted Me Recently

  1. anneris31

    Dear Anonymous un-friend, please allow me one last act of facebook friendship by referring you to this awesome wordpress article that shows you just what an outrageous ass you are for deleting me which I don’t have the passion or the relationship with you to write myself. Sincerely, someone you don’t know but who has 13 mutual friends.

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